Reportedly festering in the bowels of the studio system
since 1997, it’s finally been expunged onto theater screens in a version with a
screenplay credited to Timothy Dowling and 20th Century Fox’s favorite script
doctor Simon Kinberg. The whole thing feels stale and creepy without even a
smidgen of charm. Of course, it doesn’t help that McG directs with monotonous thunks
in the place of plot beats. There’s just no rhythm here, no essential spark of
life. It’s also a strangely ugly movie; the lighting makes everyone look either
sickly or as if they’re wearing pounds of makeup. All the while, the whole
failed comedy gets pulled under by the flopping thriller inside it, compounding
the problems.
On their own, the cast members are incredibly charming, or
at least capable of it. The guys are played by Chris Pine (the new Captain
Kirk) and Tom Hardy (the talented Brit who seems to be spending all of his time
on film sets lately). They’re fighting over none other than Reese Witherspoon,
no slouch in the charm department herself. But the charm just isn’t there.
Setting aside the creepiness factor just for a moment (we’ll return to it, I
promise), the plot is just so weirdly juvenile. Everyone involved in this love
triangle are adults, and yet the movie makes them flail about like children in
awkward social contortions. Don’t even get me started on poor Angela Bassett
who is asked nothing more than to appear in a handful of scenes and scowl at
everyone. This could be transposed into a high school comedy without sacrificing
much. Teenagers would have less access to extralegal surveillance techniques,
but that’s an aspect I’d be willing to lose.
Back to the creepiness, this is a deeply unsettling movie,
all the more unsettling for being so glossy and watchable. These men are spying
on the woman and the bulk of the movie has them listening in on her
conversations with her best friend (Chelsea Handler). Then they set about
tailoring their behavior on dates to fix flaws that she’s mentioned in these
private conversations. One’s too slick, she says. He doesn’t seem to care about
anyone but himself. Surprise, surprise, their next date, he takes her to an
animal shelter to help him pick out a dog. The other’s too safe, she says. He
doesn’t seem to be much of a risk-taker. Surprise, surprise, their next date is
to play paintball. Of course, his secret agent skills come out and he runs
roughshod over the mere combat amateurs, most of them children who leave the
field limping. But, it all ends in the guy getting a paintball to the crotch
so, ha ha, humor!
Poor Witherspoon is an unknowing pawn in their game which,
despite all protestations from characters and filmmaking alike, has so very
little to do with romance. This is a movie that’s so unbelievably smug that it
mistakes smarm for charm. The movie’s sole sex scene is staged in such a way
that we see none of the lovemaking and only the CIA operatives hunkered in a
security bunker watching the couple. Who is supposed to find that scene
appealing in the slightest? It’s not romantic, and it’s certainly not funny.
It’s gross and demeaning to all involved.
I wasn’t delighted by this movie; I grew sad, and then just
numb. It’s an implicit endorsement of the security state. At one moment a
technician asks Pine if the spying they’re about to do “is legal.” Pine shrugs
and says “Patriot Act.” Is that supposed to be funny? Later on, the fact that
she’s under surveillance allows the guys to find her and save her in the action
climax. So, see, it all works out, right? The movie is just stupid and
thoughtless enough that I could completely believe that an endorsement of such
reprehensible behavior is entirely accidental.
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